


The magical girls AU that really has nothing to do with magical girls

by DoubleTrouble007



Series: Shitfics/stream of consciousness that I really should stop writing but I don't [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: 2000 words in less than an hour, And I honestly have no idea, I think I might be hungry but also sick, M/M, Stream of Consciousness, Though it's more about just torturing ppl??, but I would torture ppl like that, certainly not beta'd, creepy jake, huh, magical girls AU??, not edited, shit fic, why do I keep doing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 11:48:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13030425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoubleTrouble007/pseuds/DoubleTrouble007
Summary: Yuuri is a beautiful magical girl and looks up to the best ever magical girl in the world- Viktor Nikiforor. Nikiforere. nikifuckRight, you know who.Anyways, so Yuuri tries his best to save the world, but after losing his partner a year ago he finds it difficult to keep up with his responsibilities.Kind of like me, who can't seem to get my writing in at a reasonable time-ANYWAYS, so then, Viktor comes! Amazing! He has something to confess to Yuuri, something that could change their lives as both magical girls and professional torturers....Which, because this is a stream of consciousness and I was half asleep for most of it, are essentially the same thing! Teehee~Right, so this hasn't been edited at all. There's enough spelling and grammar mistakes to make you cry. I upload these shitfics because they give me a perverse joy when I know I can write better than that, even though I'm comparing myself to my own writing that I purposely wrote badly... Or so I tell myself.Yes.Enjoy!





	The magical girls AU that really has nothing to do with magical girls

Hello again it is I, master shit fic writer (that is not something to be proud of.) 

I am not as completely out of it as before, but I have not the time so now I write, write no edit. I got only an hour again. Why do I keep doing this to myself. Why. 

 

Yuuri is a magical girl. A beautiful, handsome, whatever adjective you would like to use, magical girl who is a man because that's how he seems to identify mostly in the series.  

But he is a magical girl.  

Anyways, so Yuuri the magical girl protects and keeps Hasetsu safe from... this is a small town, who would he need to – right, if there's no bad guys, make them up.  

There were... bandits. Bad bandits. They were called the 'Baddie Bandits', in English, because I like illteration and my Japanese is horrible.  

Anyways, so Yuuri was a magical girl who had to fight the Baddie Bandits, which... was a large, global group that spanned the globe and... did bad things. What bad, bad bandits.  

This is going great. 

Steam filled the air of the onsen, as if creating a small wall between Yuuri and the world, letting his tension disappear as he allowed himself to slip deeperee into the hot water. His body was covered in bruises, those no good baddies being bad and him being good by trying to... does he kill in this? Magical girls usually don't kill.. Hell with it.  

Let's make this dARK. 

(but also cute and funny because I can't stand to see them actually suffer) 

He had washed the blood off his hands, but even after scrubbing his flesh for a good half hour the disgusting warmth of it freshly spilled wouldn't go away. His clothes and powers would easily disappear as soon as he finished the job, but the blood and bodies always remained. 

It was a pain in the ass, really, because what do you do with bodies? Bad bandit bodies? In Hasetsu? Yuuri had wished more than once there was some sort of supervisor or magical being that he could communicate about his powers with, but alas, there was none... wait no Vicchannnnn is dead nevermind.  

Oh now I'm sad. 

Most magical girls had someone to help them, but Yuuri had lost his during the last year after nearly ...a lot of years together. It was a devestating blow not only to him, but to his family who had grown close to the ball of adorable fluff, although they never knew Vicchan had been the one who taught Yuuri how to murder those baddie bad bandits when he was all of........ 12?? Young. Idk.  

Looking up at the stars through a tunnel of steam, Yuuri let his midn wonder over his old partner. Ah yes, Vicchan... he always did enjoy eating the bandit's eyes. And torturing them for information.  

Amazing how nimble a toy poodle could be. Simply aamzing. 

A flash of something... silver (let's just be on the nose this is horrible anyways hhahahahacries) streaking across the sky, quickly disappearing from Yuuri's line of sight as the steam worked against him. Shooting up, Yuuri grabbed the pendant that he always kept around his neck, eyes searching the heavy clouds of vaporiszzzed water around him in case a badddie bad guy was out there.  

"Yuuri..." 

Sucking in a breath, Yuuri turned towards the voice, which became easy to identify as it's owner came closer, their body slowly becoming less of a mirage through the steam or like a blurry outline idk I'm tired. Also Yuuri isn't wearing his glasses how can he see anything let alone a blurry shape? BUt then like steam from a hot springs wouldn't be that bad so I guess we can attribute his tunnel of privacy to his bad vision and like in reality everyone can see everything but since Yuuri is our point of interest here.... oh right Yuuri 

"Y-you," Yuuri gasped, taking a step back as the figure continued towards him, silver glinting in the starlight. 

"Me," the person confirmed, nodding solmnely solemny salenmysolefuck at Yuuri, who could see this despite probably being as blind as  a bat. 

"What are you doing here?" Yuuri demanded to know, his voice shaking, hand still clutching his pendent tight enough to mark his skin. 

(Why is this angesty??? I thought we were going to have cute silly fun things??? Figure this out, fingers, because my brain certianly isn't writing this right now) 

"I came because I heard your call, from the video on the itnernet." The man was unfaily beautiful, and naked too, because it was an onsen and it was just common curtesy to be naked so. Naked. 

Looking away, Yuuri bit his lip, knowing exactly which video the man bathed in starlight was refeerring too. 

He had uploaded a video of himself trying to torture the bandits. It was an ill-advise move by like literally anyone, but he was so bad at it, and the memories of vicchan's prowless ablitiy (is that a thing ppl say? It probably isn't.... ) to torture led Yuuri to drink. Which led him to video tape himself trying to torture the bandits he had captured, tagging the man standing across from him now in his magical girls' twitter and asking him for help. 

He had never expected the other to actually come, tho. Like for real ever heard of stranger danger like- 

"Ah, yes, when I tagged you... I apoligize. I was having a particullary hard time with that interogation," Yuuri confessed, looking away again because apprently he already had but the words are typed SO yes, he was glad he had retained enough sense to keep everythign in the video from leaking his information because the police probably wanted to send his ass to jail although nah I think they would probably be (rightly) afraid of him so.  

"Yuuri," the other guy... who is never going to introduce himself so let's just use his name y'all know who it is, stepped closer, his eyes dropping down Yuuri's body every few seconds but like Yuuri's still looking away so it's all good fam, "you can't interogate people by calling them names and throwing food at them while crying." 

Swallowing hard, Yuuri choked down a sob. He knew this, he knew it and yet that's exactly what he did. Had he forgotten all the hours spent watching Vicchan mercilessly bloody up bodies in order for the smallest piece of information during his most important and formative years as a growing teen? Actually maybe yeah I think he would probably have blocked out those memories for sanitys sake but anywho- 

Viktor, the world's best magical girl, was also a top dOGG at torturing the bandits. He could make them last for days, his stories told wide and far and another adj. Here about how much the bandits would suffer before he got his information. Even some civilians ,but like Russia took down those rumors real quick because we only have bad guys who can only do bad and good guys who can only do good, right? Hahahahahahaohgod 

"I just... I was having a really bad day that day, and I bought a lot of junk food but I didn't want to eat it because I was trying to diet, so I thought throwing it at them would help..." 

"Potato chips only hurt your arteries, Yuuri," Viktor sighed, looking off into the steam, where another figure hovered by on some rocks. Yuuri instantly recongized it as MAKKAchin, Viktor's partner (in literal crime) in defending the world against the bandit's doing … bad things. 

"I know that!" Yuuri yelled, flashes of his last interogation playing back in his mind. Magical girl outfits are real assholes because despite being fucking magical, they will not magically change shape if you get fat. Like, as he grew up from a young'in, the dress and outfit grew with him, but when he started eating his feelings, the dress gave him a fabric-like middle finger by making him feel like a squeezed burrito while he was trying to elminate the world of those bad, bad bandits. The underwear was always giving him a wedgie, and his thicc thighs were a bit too much for the skrit to handle, giving anyone he chased after a full moon showing. 

They were PG magical girls, for heaven's sake! The blood and gore was censored when they tortured because appretnly this is a thing all magical girls do. 

"Then why did you keep tossing crossiants at them?! At least a cake in their face would've suffocated them for a moment or two!" Viktor shouted back, his arm waving out frantically for some reaosn I forgot while taking a step closer to Yuuri, who eyed that fucking weird ass arm but also didn't take another step back because he was butt cheek to rock now. 

"I lov e crossants!" Yuuri was full on crying now, tears streaming down his face as he faced his child hood idol, magical girl supreme Viktor Nikifuck it's my bedtime damnit 30 mintues to 12 less than 500 words let's do this. 

"Yuuri, what's going on-?" Mari slid the glass door open, a bucket of cleaning tools in hand while she took in the sight before her, pausing only for a moment when both very naked, bery emotinoally charged men looked at her, and then walking back into the Inn and closing the door behind her. 

Vikkky turned back towards Yuuri, tears starting to form in his own, very gay, eyes,"And I love you!" 

"Gasp!" Yuuri gasped. 

"Gasp!" MAKKAchin gasped. 

"Gasp!" The person who really needs to stop writing these things and plan her time out better gasped. 

"That's right, ever since I saw you in that outfit, just barely squeezing into it- I mean,  I didn't even realize magical girls could get fat- I knew it had to be uuuu, Yuuri. I kneww,.) 

 

"Viktor, you have a fat fetish?" Yuuri gasped again, because obviouslyI'm a lot more tired than I relaised. 

"I mean, I don't think I do," Viktor said, looking down with a hand on his chin as if seriously considering this, "The only reason I knew about it is because Creepy Jake showed me your video in the first place, and I just knew you need some serious help after that video so I was like why not?" 

(and here I am wondering why I'm doing this. I can't upload this. This one is worse than the last, and that's saying something. There hasn't even been an orgy- OH WAIT WE HAVE 300 WORDS LEFT LETS MAKE THIS WORK) 

"You can't trust Creepy Jake..." Yuuri mummbled. Viktor had no idea what that had to do with anything. I wondered the same thing. 

"Maybe..." Viktor started, taking a gentle step forward in this super hot waters they've just kind of been chiilling in for the last almost 2000 words now, "Maybe what you did wasn't horrilbe, I mean, it was, but maybe it's the start of a new way of torture." 

Yurri looked up, sniffing but with a hopeful look in his eyes. "Y-you think? They did beg me to kill them when I started crying and ranting. I think the cotton candy I made them wear as wigs really started to get ot them." 

"Yes!" Viktor squeeled like a prince, rushing forward to close the last few steps between them and grasping uuri's hannds. "That's exactly it! If anything, you were able to get information out of them quicker than some of the other bandits I've had to torture. I mean, after that one moment where you were just crushing up candy and blowing the dust into their faces- they were practically puddy in your hands!" 

Giggling, Yuuri bashfully ugh I feel sick giggled again damnit. "I did that because I didn't want to let myself eat it later. I thought it if was crushed, I couldn't." 

"Did you?" Viktor asked, gazing lovenly into Yuuuri's eyes and both of them ignoring the fact they are bucked naked, too focused on their jobs as tortuer- I mean magical girls. 

"Did I what?" Yuuri returned his gaze, also lovelnyl, howeve ryou spell that word. 

"Did you eat it all anyways?" 

Giggling again, Yuuri hid his face into Viktor's neck, nuzzeling the very naked skin there.  

"Of course. I had to eat the bandits because the powered candy was stuck on their bodies." 

Oh my god what am I writing.  

"That is sohot," viktor said, and then they proceeddd to politely ask MaAAKKECHIN to leave before having a two person orgy in the outside baths, before becoming a fearsome torturing duo that wore outfits for little girls and let's be honest, probably just torutured whoever they could because what did the bandits actually do that was bad? 

Puns, probably. 

 

a/n (although I put them everywhere in this story without any consideration but-) Here is a special fanfART of the Yuuri and Viktor in this beautiful story by Princess Deathface on Tumblr, my bestest fan in the whole world. It is lovely and exactly how I envisioned them for this story, she captured them perfectly despite only being able to read the first 200 or so words. If that. xD

 (if that doesn't convince you to check out her other art, I don't know what will. Although she does have some really cool stuff on there so. [CHECK IT OU THERE FOLCSK](https://deathface-the-destroyer.tumblr.com/post/168619940708/quality-content-an-illustration-i-crafted))

**Author's Note:**

> ....I'm sorry.  
>  Have this Sparkle as a token of my truest apologies: (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧


End file.
